The NotSoUnited Nations
by CalliScribbles
Summary: "This," Sealand said to himself as he lowered his binoculars, "Must be the reason why nothing ever gets done at UN meetings." - Half the rest of the cast is inside.


**Nations included, in order of their appearance**: Sealand, America, Greece, England, Japan, China, Russia, France, Germany, North Italy, South Italy, Spain, Poland, Lithuania, Lichtenstein, Hungary, Austria, Switzerland, Sweden, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Norway, Belarus, Georgia, Turkey, Israel, Egypt, and Iran.

Not bad for four pages in word, eh?

xXx

Stealthily, Sealand raised his binoculars, trying at the same time not to fall out of the tree that he was perched in. If the other nations refused to let him into their United Nation's meeting, then he was just going to have to spy on them to figure out what was going on, wasn't he?

Inside the meeting, all was going well. A large amount of nations had already shot down America's plan to prevent earthquakes by putting large weights on the tectonic plates to stop them from sliding around so much, and they had moved on to the economics section of the meeting. Which consisted of everyone trying, and failing, to figure out who owed whom how much money and how long it had been, with a side of cursing at the global recession.

Currently, Greece was in the middle of a very slow-moving slideshow explaining why he wouldn't be able to pay various countries who had loaned him money back any time soon, which ran more or less along the lines of everyone else's presentations.

Meanwhile, America was not-so-stealthily texting under the table.

_Iggy, Kiku, come 2 my plce 2nite. I got a rlly scary new movie that U2 just gotta C._

Japan's reply came quickly.

_Perhaps. I have to check my schedule._

_Gr8! I'll CU then._

_I have no other important plans for the evening._

England's reply came in seven minutes later.

_You have a full keyboard on your phone for a reason, you git. Now learn how to use it properly, so the rest of us don't have to stare at your misspelled drivel!_

_Takes 2 long, ol man. Coming r not?_

America pressed send, then, as an afterthought, opened up a new message to Japan.

_Bring sm of that pretzl-candy stuff,_ he typed quickly, _whatevr U call it. It's good w/ popcorn. & Hamburgers._

_I can bring you some pocky if you like._

_Gr8! I haz soda, tho. Yrs isn't so gr8 w/ hamburgers. No ofence. _

America was about to press send, when the screen of his phone went black. He shook the device impatiently, but the screen stayed black. Then, he managed to drop it on the floor, where a small crack appeared across one corner of the screen.

He stared at the broken device in astonishment for a minute.

"Aw man," he groaned, "Everything I buy from China always breaks."

It immediately became obvious that he had said that louder than he had intended to, because China turned to face him. "Excuse me, aru?"

At this point, all five nations at the security council table had stopped even pretending to listen to Greece's presentation, and had turned either to stare at America or at China.

"Look at my phone!" America said defensively, "That's the third one in the past two months that's broken. If Russia looks at them cross-eyed, the screen cracks!"

Russia smiled beatifically.

This was the cue for most of the meeting to turn and stare at the security council table, where China was looking very insulted. "Perhaps you should buy a stronger phone if you're going to drop them on the floor, aru." He said quietly, in a voice that everyone but America could tell meant trouble.

America didn't think that this was entirely fair. Heroes needed reliable equipment, after all. "You don't make stronger phones," he pointed out petulantly, "At least, not ones without lead and all sorts of other bad chemicals in them. I don't know how you can put all that stuff in phones and toys and still claim to be following safety regulations! Then you go and put dangerous stuff in food, too -" (1)

If China had his wok handy, the North American nation's head would have been in serious danger. "That was two years ago, and an accident, aru!"

America had ploughed on without noticing. "… and it's not just me," he continued, "You've sent dangerous stuff to at least half this table. Like those cookies and chocolates you sent to France and England."

England and France both opened their mouth to say something – England presumably either to back America up or to tell him to stop acting like a git, and France either to crack a dirty joke or to agree with America – but each of them saw the other a moment before they could get the words out. Both realized, belatedly, that they had almost agreed with each other.

"Back me up here," America told them both, completely oblivious to the glaring that was going on between them.

"That wouldn't be nearly as fun as the alternative," France quipped, for once glad that anything he said could be construed as a dirty joke even if it made no sense. England, predictably, blew up.

"Hands off my colony, you bloody frog!"

"But he is not your colony anymore mon ami. Remember?"

And then there were two arguments going at the security table as France and England stood up, screaming in each other's faces about insults ranging from last week to the hundred year's war, and America kept ranting on about toxic paint while China defended himself. Russia looked about contentedly and chuckled, his dark aura hanging like a tethered raincloud above the table. He loved meetings like this – it took him back to the world wars.

In under a second, the entire council room was out of their seats, though no one came to back any of the Security Council members up. They had their own bones to pick with each other.

Germany did try to go and shout the twin arguments into silence, but he was hampered by Feliciano, and attempting to detach the Italian from his sleeve resulted in Romano storming up to demand that Germany stay away from his little brother. Spain followed, looking somewhat apologetic but making no effort to contain the furious Southern Italy.

Japan was torn between perhaps helping his older brother – though he did not entirely approve of China's manufacturing techniques of late – or aiding America, one of his best friends. To be entirely fair, though, America wasn't quite right either…

He was unprepared when Greece slipped his hand into his, and blushed furiously. But he allowed himself to be led, all the same, away from his seat and through the chaos that was the conference room, leaving Greece's slideshow abandoned.

Japan wasn't the only one being led – as they rounded the end of the table, he caught a glimpse of Poland, his right arm in a pink cast, (2) dragging Lithuania towards the refreshments left-handed, at a breakneck speed. The two of them nearly knocked over Lichtenstein, who was standing next to Hungary and watching Austria and Switzerland pretend that they weren't using the chaos as cover in order to talk to one another. The Nordics and Baltics, except for Lithuania, had found a safe corner to observe the chaos from, where Sweden had lifted Finland onto a table out of harm's way.

Suddenly, Ukraine appeared next to their table, bouncing. "Estonia, Latvia, have you seen Belarus?" she asked, obviously worried.

The mere mention of Belarus petrified the two Baltics beyond the capability of speech – Norway shook his head. Muttering something about preventing Belarus from killing Georgia, (3) Ukraine disappeared into the crowd. A few seconds after she left, Turkey crept past their table, following Greece and Japan. Due to his mask, however, he was almost too late to dodge the apple that went sailing past his ear. After a quick look around, he vacated the area swiftly, since Israel and Egypt, using two buffet tables as cover, were having a massive food fight, each screaming something about treaties and seemingly unconcerned if they hit passerby with their edible missiles instead. Iran was standing on a nearby chair screaming for everyone to hear that he was about to blow up the cake, but no one was paying any attention, being too busy with their own squabbling. A stray glob of egg salad from Israel or Egypt smacked him in the face. (4)

Sealand had seen enough, and he slowly returned his binoculars to where they hung around his neck in disappointment. There was nothing secret going on in the United Nations meeting: at least, nothing that didn't go on outside of it, where he didn't need binoculars to see. He needed to get home before Sweden and Finland did and discovered that he'd followed them, so he began, very slowly, to climb down out of the tree.

"Now I know why nothing ever gets done in UN meetings," Sealand said to himself as he reached the ground.

xXx

(1) History: There's been a lot of recalls of products made in China in the past four or five years in America. Specifically, the 2008 recall of products made with Chinese milk, which had been tainted with melamine, is referenced here as it also affected England and France.

(2) This meeting takes place in the summer of 2010, a few months after the airplane crash which killed multiple members of the Polish government. I'd like to take this moment to express sympathy and be glad that Poland – country and character – is on the road to recovery.

(3) History: also in 2008, Russia invaded Georgia. Belarus and Ukraine weren't directly involved, but I thought it made sense that Belarus as a character would not react very well to Russia showing favor to any other country by invading it… wow, that sounded wrong. Ukraine, of course, would prefer that neither of her siblings kill anyone in the conference room…

(4) Geographically, it's possible. Historically, there is nothing going on here. I just wanted to make that clear, as Israel, Georgia and Iran are technically OC's (I doubted anyone would mind – they don't even really have lines) and Iran's behavior is more or less my American stereotype of typical Iran behavior.

As a final note, every country mentioned here is currently a member of the UN. (Except, obviously, for Sealand) Hetalia is an excellent way to understand why the UN hardly ever gets anything done.


End file.
